Graduation AC199
by Tsuki Doriimaa
Summary: Someone has been Lost from the Group. The guys are at graduation trying to deal with it... it's painful...


~ Graduation AC199 ~  
By: Anime Redneck  
3-29-03  
  
@--{--  
In Loving Memory of...  
Rifka "Kitty Kat" Wehmanen  
---}--@  
  
.  
Archive: Ask first. Anyone that has previous permission to archive my things.. go for it.  
Pairings: 5x2x1, 3x4  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Death, though I'll say it ain't the main ones... y'all know how I mean...  
Disclaimer: The poem's mine. You haven't have it. The guys sadly, ain't mine.  
  
~*~ ~*~ @ ~*~ ~*~  
'  
  
Well we're here! We survived the streets, bullies, no memories, obsessive Doctors and Professors... War-crazed Generals, personality challenged mask wearing doofuses and a slue of battle after battle of gruesome deaths. All to bring peace to the People of Land and the People of Space.  
  
We did it. And we survived. We became stronger.  
  
We also, went back to school. Isn't that a trip? I mean you gotta figure we've had the most training, the most education in things that would make a normal teen's head spin, so why go back to school? Granted, for me, it was a blast! Ya gotta remember, I ain't ever had a real childhood. Growin' up on the streets of L2 didn't do much for your noggin', but it gave ya smarts, that's for sure.  
  
So anyway, after Heero blew the hell outta that fallin' piece of trash and saved Earth, we all shoved aside Une's request to join the Preventers. Ohhh don't get me wrong! We wanted to yes! Well... most of us wanted to. Some (Q-man) had to keep up with other things, but yeah, we blew that off and followed Heero's (of all people) suggestion that we find a good school and get our diplomas.  
  
Alright sure, nice though. Lets go!  
  
So we did that, joined up as sophomores, pretty much got to skip that year and advance to juniors - with no two hundred dollar bonus, I might add - and finished off the year like everyone else... Well as close to 'everyone else' as you could get for five (tryin' to keep) unknown world saviors slash terrorist.  
  
Today, we're all graduatin' with honors.  
  
Yes, everyone of us. Stop lookin' at me like that.  
  
But have ya ever noticed when something was missing? And I don't mean you lost a shoe and couldn't find it for the last two hours, or ya misplaced your glasses and they suddenly appeared a day later.  
  
I mean... have you ever felt a hole in your soul?  
  
One that you know can't be repaired? No matter how much you try or want it to be? You know over time that it'll heal over a little, but no matter what you do, there'll always be that dull ache that doesn't go away. You might forget it, but it's like a phantom injury, always there.  
  
Last year when one of my loves was lost, I felt a pain like I had never felt before rip and tare my soul to shreds. The only thing not killing me completely was Fei n' the guys... I've felt a pain similar back on L2 when I lost Solo to the plague... again when Sister Helen and Father Maxwell were taken from me. It's a pain that I wish on no one else. And ya know... it's just...  
  
.  
~ * ~ * ~  
Graduation's come,  
That special day in May,  
But something's wrong,  
Someone's gone.  
  
You sit and think,  
And maybe weep,  
For you know now,  
He's not here.  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
'  
  
It's different.  
  
I guess it'll always be like that.  
  
You know you've got friends and you've got acquaintances, you've got people that would always be there for you. No matter what status they held to you, not matter how close. There's always someone there no matter how far away or lonely it all seems to get. Always.  
  
Sometimes you forget that fact.  
  
It's so easy to see that you're the only one there. The only one that might be hurting... when in reality, everyone is. Or, everyone that cares, that is. There's some coldhearted assholes out that man. I ain't just sayin' that either. I've fought against some - both on the field and off. I've known a few personally.  
  
Those people that say they're your friends, then stab you in the back. Or the ones that say, always pick on someone else, then turn around and'll deny that claim for something else. Some shity excuse they can cook up on the spot.  
  
I hate people like that.  
  
And it's extremely hard to get me to 'hate' someone. Dislike? Yes. Hate? No.  
  
But there's so many I'd love to get my hands on right about now... so many scrawny necks needin' to be rung... Boy how I'd like to-  
  
But this isn't only about Me.  
  
There's others that are hurting.  
  
It hit us all hard. No one was saved the hurt except those that knew and have already passed. Not like that helps any of us, right? It's just... well... shit man, it's hard to take. I've lost nearly everyone I loved to something or another... and here I - We - go, loosing someone else.  
  
It's injustice to the fullest.  
  
Damnit my eye are stinging now...  
  
A tear leaks out and I hastily wipe it away...  
  
Boys don't cry... but men sure do...  
  
And damnit I miss Him!!  
  
.  
~ * ~ * ~  
Here in our minds,  
And in our hearts,  
You know he's there,  
He'll never part,  
  
You dawn a smile,  
And start to walk,  
You know he's here,  
In our hearts,  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
'  
  
They say the mind is the strongest thing on a human.  
  
Bones and hearts can break. Skin can crack, cut and bruise. Weak things. But the mind is supposed to be able to withhold so much more stress then such under working accessories.  
  
I say they are wrong.  
  
The Heart, not the mind, it truly the strongest part of human anatomy.  
  
Why you ask?  
  
Think about it a moment.  
  
The heart is the beat of your soul, the pathway of your life. It has to be strong to keep you alive. It feels pain, joy, sadness, betrayal... all these emotions it feels, deals with and accepts with time. The mind would simply muddle these feelings and mule over the 'whys' and 'hows' of them. Something that does not help oneself in the long run. The mind is merely a breeding ground for confusion.  
  
The heart knows all.  
  
Some say that the smartest minds will go far, will make something of themselves and bring pride to those that raised them. I say it does not count if you haven't the heart to go with those brains. What good does it do to know it all if you haven't the heart to use that knowledge for a just cause?  
  
There are some people out there who use very little of their brain mass and none of their heart. We have recently found this to be true. Granted. We've fought against many a man that never seemed to have a brain in which to think with... But they had Heart.  
  
Our high schooling experience has been enjoyable. I will grudgingly admit this fact with no fair share of humor. I can't deny it; the others know it.  
  
Yet, there has always been a shadowing blanket of grief to it.  
  
A sorrow so deep it shall never depart.  
  
Our Junior year we lost someone dear to our hearts. Someone that even if we tried (and we'd never think it) to replace, we all know it would be for naught. There is no way even humanly possible that anyone could feel the void any of us feel. Only an act of the Gods could bring us back what we so desire. What we've lost.  
  
It is with a saddened heart, that we enter this stadium-sized building to graduate, minus one dear member. It is in his honor, that we continue to strive to do our best. In his honor that we live, for ourselves, for each other... and for Him.  
  
Swiping at my eye I give a small smile.  
  
Yes, we lost him. But he will forever be with us.  
  
Watching over us and protecting us, like he has always done in the past.  
  
Loved ones never leave you.  
  
.  
~ * ~ * ~  
He can't be here,  
This special day,  
The Good Lord came,  
And took him away,  
  
Long before,  
This special day,  
But you smile.  
And look up high,  
  
For you know,  
He's here today,  
In our hearts,  
And in our minds,  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
'  
  
It's here... I can't believe it.  
  
It's a harder concept to accept them most kids could ever hope to understand. Yes, we're graduating but at what cost? You can take that either way you choose to. Point being we've fought and won two separate wars. Faced death many times and escaped.  
  
We've faced, challenged and lived though many more things then those. Our backgrounds you see are very diverse. We've all been through some extremely ruthless things. Some we airn't ready to talk about yet. Others, we know and don't speak of.  
  
I've lost people I loved fourth now.  
  
I lost my mother, my father and a sister. Two to war, one to birth. It's twisted humor at it's greatest. After all, they never went through half the things I did while fighting... yet they died and I lived. Not to coin a phrase but... Where is the justice in that?  
  
Each loss has hit me hard. I've suffered from them, cried from them; but the pain is gone now.  
  
Is it so strange then, that I'm hurting so much more now?  
  
The mother I lost I never knew. The father that died for what he believed it was against my fighting, against the way I had chosen and ties between us were loved but harsh. My dear sister died in war, saving my six... switching places with me at the last second so it wouldn't be me... wouldn't have been I that died instead...  
  
Is it so wrong then... that this pain I feel be so much greater then what it was when I lost the three of them?  
  
Logically one would say that pain from loosing my mother would be for naught because I was a baby and didn't know her. The pain from my father would be much greater yet dimmed by the fact for some years we never got along... and then, the pain from loosing my sister would be just as great if not more, for there was more understanding, more knowing and kindred love between us.  
  
Yes I loved my father... but Allah the man wasn't the easiest to get along with. When you differ on how the war should be won, the actions to take... then that tends to put a wedge between people.  
  
Then why... Why is the pain I'm feeling now so much more then bearable!? I feel as if my knees would give out still, that if I had to stand on my own to Walk, that I would simply crumble a heap on the floor? And over someone I have known for many years fewer then my own relatives... Someone I've known for only four years... and yet, the suffering I feel is like that of a person you have known your whole life.  
  
I feel tears trail down my face and I don't care. I'd whip them again, but what for? More would simply take their place. I can't help but wonder how long I'll feel this emptiness within me?  
  
I miss him terribly you know... You never think that when you know someone, they'll be gone in an instant some day. You just never think that. Not after surviving the wars. Not after getting blown to hell and back. Not after the shit we've been though! It's just... doesn't happen... it's not supposed to...  
  
But it did. Damnit all.  
  
Today is proving to be trying.  
  
I think we'll go home after this. None of us is in a very partying mood now.  
  
A soft wind brushes against my wet cheeks and I smile weakly.  
  
.  
~ * ~ * ~  
You know he's here,  
In the air,  
Watching from above,  
With so much Love,  
  
Seeing his friends,  
Happy again,  
You smile and think,  
You know it's all right,  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
'  
  
When someone dies you hear them say things, very repetitive things like... "It was they're time"... "It was meant to happen this way" and lets not forget my personal favorite (I've been around Maxwell too long), "It was the Lords wish"  
  
Yes ladies and gentlemen, I have developed a sense of humor. Always had one frankly.  
  
With all the cultures out there... of all the different races of people. You would think someone would come up with something original to say at funerals. How about, "I'm sorry"... "My condolences" or "You'll be fine with time". Simple, nice, somewhat repetitive, but it's better then someone trying to explain why someone else died.  
  
How do you explain that someone died?  
  
Cause of death... all right fine, you can do that. But what point is there in trying to explain to a grieving person that the one they loved (whichever kind it may be) has died for a reason? "I'm sorry... but he did die for a reason." You'd give a blank stare, they'd go on, "He had cancer." Oh? And this is a reason!? Since when!? This far from the twentieth century, you'd think there was a cure for it by now!  
  
Dieing fighting the war, is a "reason". Dieing for something you believe in is a "reason". Dieing because of a bacterial morphed into a deadly thing is not a reason! Dieing from a malfunctioning organ that could have been fixed is not a "reason".  
  
And what do I say to all of that?  
  
Bullshit!  
  
There is no way to explain the death of one person, but to say that it does happen. It is a part of life. You cannot have Life without Death. They're interlocked. To have one without the other is to ask for an ever coming Armageddon to speed it's approach. Too much Death without enough Life and we're all dead anyways. Too much Life without Death and we're gonna out grow the colonies, Earth and wherever the hell else we deicide to live... or, we'll create our own Death and by killing people to maintain the ratio between the two.  
  
Either way, it's a fact of life that you come to accept. You don't need someone trying to explain 'why' it happened. It just does, stop trying to explain it.  
  
This however, does not loosen the knot that has formed within my chest and has given no future time in which it should be leaving me.  
  
In a cruel, self-hating sort of way I wish it never did.  
  
I do not want to forget the friend that I have lost. The comrade that has always been by my side, guided me though he knew it not, and saved all our asses time and again.  
  
Oh no, he's not easy to forget; you can never forget someone like that. Even his enemies don't forget him. He's an impressing man, stubborn as hell and sure as is one to forget about. I don't want to forget about him. I never could if I wanted to. And I'd never want to. Not now, not fifty years down the road, not ever.  
  
It won't happen period.  
  
Then why, do I not want the pain to leave me? Why would I want to hold onto this feeling of utmost sadness, the tightening of my chest as the person on stage keeps speaking about him, the unusual wetness in my eyes...?  
  
Maybe, it's to remind me that I'm alive. That I feel things when so often before I tried not to. He told me, taught me without knowing it, to be free and not fight what I feel. The pain reminds me what all of us have been through together, and what the remaining of us shall keep going through.  
  
We have lost a number among our ranks.  
  
A friend. A comrade. A Brother.  
  
We have lost someone, who in anyone's eye... Hell in our *own* would never be seen as someone that cared about us. Someone that we could trust or that he trust us. Someone... he just wasn't someone we thought would turn out like he had.  
  
Gods above but I miss him...  
  
Near two years now and we're all still feeling this... overwhelming sadness like it had happened yesterday. I don't think that any of us will overcome this emotion, this loss this *emptiness* within us for a long while.  
  
I smile at that thought as a tear slides down my cheek.  
  
We might not be well off of this pain torn path for a time, maybe even years.  
  
But we'll do it together.  
  
Together we can live.  
  
Together we can mend and stand.  
  
Together we can carry on.  
  
.  
~ * ~ * ~  
'Cause he's watching tonight,  
From a great height,  
Happy and proud,  
In the clouds,  
  
You smile and sigh,  
For you *know*,  
In our hearts,  
He's never apart...  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
'  
  
As the boy with blonde tresses finishes reading the poem he had written for this joyous and sad day, steps from the raised dais as the valedictorian steps foreword. He takes up what normally would have been the school's principles job, at wrapping up the graduating ceremony.  
  
But this wasn't a normal ceremony.  
  
The beginnings and middle ran as it should have, by those required to give forth the days doing. The names had been read, the students stood to Walk, and the rest was done.  
  
But the ending was left to the students, to the ones that knew best, that cared the most... the ones that suffered more from the year's events then others could ever begin to imagine.  
  
As the valedictorian stood on stage, his bronze hands clasped together loosely, studying the mass of faces before him, he opened his mouth to softly speak into the offered microphone.  
  
"There are times in your life when you believe that nothing with change. A time where you find yourself saying that all you have, you'll forever keep. You never think about, or dream about, loosing something that means a great deal to you. It just never occurs to you that you could loose that something. But my friends... you can loose anything.  
  
"There comes a time when you find this harsh fact out. You find that you are not as invincible as you had previously thought. A time that will throw you into the pits of hell with sorrow to spare. We are all at some point ignorant to this fact and the pain that will come from it. Heed some advice and keep it well.  
  
"Hold those you know and love close." He paused taking a breath and gathering his thoughts.  
  
"No one is invincible. The person you like most and think will forever be at your side. You could loose tomorrow. I know. I've been through it. Loosing someone you care for, someone you love is not easy. It's hell! The pain rips you from the inside out."  
  
Again he paused, "You know, we all thought that we had a good life... then the Eve Wars came around and we were pitched into Hell. Then we were thrown back into peaceful times a few years later. Loosing someone is a lot like that path. You have them... then they die and leave you with a world of hurt. And then, with time, the hurt yields to a dull ache...  
  
"I, and our friends out there, have lost someone that we cared deeply for two years ago, it was here at school. You know of who I speak. There were very few who didn't know of him. He died from cancer along with other dormant injuries that remained as such 'til the cancer spread throughout his body." He blinked several times, "His loss has stuck those closest to him the hardest. We all feel pain left from his death. We will for years later. We took for granted all the time we had with him. We never believed, after all we had been put through, that we'd loose him.  
  
"We were wrong" floated over the area on a chocked voice.  
  
Shaking his head slightly, blinking back more tears he went on hurrying to finish up what needed to be done. "My everlasting advice, to all of you here today, graduating or not, is to never take anything, any*one* for granted. You think that you've the time in the world. But you don't. You could loose it all in an instant. Don't let this happen. Cherish all that you hold dear. Stop, look around and notice what you have, be grateful for it and live your life to the fullest. You only get one shot at it. And once you loose something, someone, you don't get a second chance."  
  
Taking a deep breath, eyes closing as his dark head bowed, the valedictorian took a second to gather himself before raising his head, eyes open and whispered loud enough for the mike to catch and echo, "God speed, Heero Yuy..." for everyone else to hear while at the same the valedictorian flung his arms up and outwards, opening his palms to the sky...  
  
...And a white Dove flew high from his hands, circled with a cry and left the mass of seated people...  
  
Four people watched with tears in their eyes, throats aching from the pain as the dove flew overhead.  
  
The meaning for which escaped no one.  
  
The Dove is a symbol for peace and freedom.  
  
Heero Yuy... was finally free.   
  
.  
_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_/*\_  
'  
  
I hope that dispite the situation of this story, some were able to like it.  
  
I wrote it on a whim, kept looking at my poem binder and thinking of one in it. So I grabbed it, typed it up, subsatuted 'Him' for 'She' and got on with the rest of it... This poem, originally titled "Graduation 1999", was written the year I graduated in memory of a best friend I lost my Freshman year. She commited suicide. Too much peer pressure or something along those lines. I don't rightly remember what the letter said anymore. I do remember many other things about the week in which she was in the hospital, which I will spar thee from reading of.  
  
Why I put then, that Heero died of cancer? hmm.. I'm not really sure, that actually came out as an example for Trowa's part, but it morphed into the reason behind Heero's death. I have, however, delt with loosing someone to that. My Freshman year was not a nice one. I lost my Grandmother (Nanny) to cancer ending of my 8th grade year. While she was sick she informed us that "six weeks after I die, daddy'll die"... And damn if she wasn't right. Six weeks after she passed on Grandpa (Pawpaw) died of a broken heart (heartattack).. 6wks after him, Great Grandma (my Nanny's mother).. then 'bout 6 or so weeks later Rifka died. heh add on top of those four my English sensei and a teachers aid I didn't know well and I went to five funerals that year.  
  
Shity year, let me tell you. Wait... just did... -_- Sorry, I ramble at times, y'all know this by now. So yeah, basically, crapy year, poem gave me the idea for this so I've been up all night writing it. It's now 6:30am and I've gotta go retreive my paw's chainsaw from a shop, then I'm going to bed. _ Talk about a Night Owl! ^_^;;  
  
Ja matte peoples!  
  
~ Anime Redneck  
  
.  
Songfic Queen.. blah blah blha ZZZZZzzzzzzz  
' 


End file.
